It’s been one of those weeks where I’m questioning myself, my life and what the hell I’m doing with it. It’s been a week of “why did I wear this?” “My feet look stupid.” “This outfit is terrible.” And so on. And, to make it all worse, I’m blogging every outfit! I don’t know what’s wrong with me (or maybe I do!) but it needs to stop.
It’s stupid, I know. And I’m not fishing for compliments, I’m just trying to get these negative feelings out of my head. Last night I was ready to just give up, which I know if stupid. I enjoy blogging. I like to go home after work and set up the tripod and take pictures. It makes me laugh when my neighbors watch me and wonder what I’m doing. Because, let’s face it, if you’re taking photos of yourself you’re either a) crazy b) vain or c) a blogger. I just need to get over whatever hurdle this is that’s holding me back (I’m pretty sure I know what it is) and get back on with me life.
Now, I keep saying I know what the problem is, and as much as I don’t want to bore you, I’m going to tell you. It’s me, wishing I had better clothes, nicer clothes and/or was more pretty.
I know, I know. “Suze, you have nice clothes.” “Suze, you are pretty.” But it’s hard to change the perception I’ve had of myself FOREVER. I’ve always been the “ugly best friend.” Sure, I may be married, but that’s because I hit him over the head with a club and dragged him to the altar before he could run away.
It’s really just a self-esteem thing, and realizing that I’m not the same as all the other pretty girls out there. I love color too much. I dye my hair nearly unnatural shades of red because I like to. That doesn’t make me wrong, it just makes me me.
But that doesn’t help me in the “what the hell am I doing” category. I mean, what AM I doing? Do I want to be a full-time blogger? Do I think it’s possible with no fashion background and no clue what I’m doing? Do I want to stay in PR/Communications? Do I want to continue my stupid dream of writing/publishing a book (the first few chapters exist!)?
I don’t know. I guess only time will tell.