Self-doubt is coming up in waves

It’s been one of those weeks where I’m questioning myself, my life and what the hell I’m doing with it. It’s been a week of “why did I wear this?” “My feet look stupid.” “This outfit is terrible.” And so on. And, to make it all worse, I’m blogging every outfit! I don’t know what’s wrong with me (or maybe I do!) but it needs to stop.

It’s stupid, I know. And I’m not fishing for compliments, I’m just trying to get these negative feelings out of my head. Last night I was ready to just give up, which I know if stupid. I enjoy blogging. I like to go home after work and set up the tripod and take pictures. It makes me laugh when my neighbors watch me and wonder what I’m doing. Because, let’s face it, if you’re taking photos of yourself you’re either a) crazy b) vain or c) a blogger. I just need to get over whatever hurdle this is that’s holding me back (I’m pretty sure I know what it is) and get back on with me life.

Now, I keep saying I know what the problem is, and as much as I don’t want to bore you, I’m going to tell you. It’s me, wishing I had better clothes, nicer clothes and/or was more pretty.

I know, I know. “Suze, you have nice clothes.” “Suze, you are pretty.” But it’s hard to change the perception I’ve had of myself FOREVER. I’ve always been the “ugly best friend.” Sure, I may be married, but that’s because I hit him over the head with a club and dragged him to the altar before he could run away.

It’s really just a self-esteem thing, and realizing that I’m not the same as all the other pretty girls out there. I love color too much. I dye my hair nearly unnatural shades of red because I like to. That doesn’t make me wrong, it just makes me me.

But that doesn’t help me in the “what the hell am I doing” category. I mean, what AM I doing? Do I want to be a full-time blogger? Do I think it’s possible with no fashion background and no clue what I’m doing? Do I want to stay in PR/Communications? Do I want to continue my stupid dream of writing/publishing a book (the first few chapters exist!)?

I don’t know. I guess only time will tell.


14 thoughts on “Self-doubt is coming up in waves

  1. You have no reason to be doubting yourself. If it wasn’t for you, I would be wearing head-to-toe black every day (although with fabulous shoes). You’re great at all the different things you do, it’s just a matter of weeding out which you want to do long-term. You’ll be fine. Take a chill pill (or have a margarita) and calm down. Just enjoy what you’re doing in the moment. Everything will work out somehow, just CHILLAX 🙂

  2. Don’t worry about it–all this is just you changing, growing and evolving as a person. If these things didn’t happen, then I’d worry!

  3. For what it’s worth, I think every blogger has those feelings. I mean, before blogging I could put on a shit outfit and then just..ignore it. Or I could have a bad hair day and just pretend no one was noticing. But when you take pictures of yourself, discuss your wins/fails with other bloggers, and discuss theirs with them, I think it just becomes harder to ignore the parts you don’t like because they’re constantly staring you in the face. I mean, before blogging I could essentially take a week off from giving a shit if I wanted to. My blog keeps me more accountable. And I think that overall that’s a good thing, but it makes it harder to ignore the bad-mood weeks.

    I’ve been blogging a few years and have learned that I’ll still have those pockets of time where I feel ugly, hate my wardrobe, or just want to hole up and disappear. So now a lot of my outfit pics are backlogged. I schedule them ahead and space them out so that when I have a bad week, the blog trudges on without me. And usually, getting good feedback on those outfits gets me out of my funk sooner.

    • I think everyone does too. It’s just been one of those up and down months and it’s beginning to get to me. I just wanted to talk about it, because it’s been affecting my writing, and my posts here. I love blogging and obviously I should do it for me, no one else. But I sometimes feel like I don’t have “stuff” like other girls do, which is lame and I know it shouldn’t matter. I just need to force myself to realize it’s stupid. And to clean out my closet. That will help!

  4. Hang in there–this too shall pass. I don’t think you have to have an answer to the question “What am I doing?” unless you are ready to have your answer change frequently. Some people know what they want to be or do and go for it–good for them. But the majority of people run into these questions pretty often.

    I feel you on the “stuff.” I’m trying to start a blog the same time I swear off shopping for a year. What a dumb idea this might be. But whatever. If it dies, it dies. I tried.

    In a world of too much neutral and safeness, your colorful style is a breath of fresh air, and I’m sure the folks that are around you every day get even more joy out of it than us virtual readers. And I love the hair (if I could pull it off I would want to).

  5. Suze~

    I’ve got an ex-husband, a second husband, have jumped back and forth between Australia and the U.S. for a year, wish I was a stylist, am blogging fanatically but writing about IRAs and such for my day job. I STILL don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

    BUT. Things are starting to change, and I’m becoming more immersed in the life I want just by doing all these little things, even when it doesn’t pay or make sense at the time.

    Dreams aren’t ever stupid…that’s why they’re called dreams instead of reality. You’d be surprised how many awful/bizarre/unexpected/seemingly insignificant experiences become valuable lessons in your life later.

    Just keep writing, keep putting yourself out there and you will see that eventually all your effort WILL pay off.

    • Thanks V. 🙂 I know there are tons of people that have doubt like me, and maybe they don’t say it outloud, but I tend to let me feelings run wild, so I can’t help it.

      I need to force myself to continue writing the story I’d started. It was actually pretty interesting, to me anyway!

  6. First, I know everyone said this already but you don’t have any reason to doubt on yourself. You’re really pretty. Trust me… you’re beautiful inside and out. You’re not shallow like most people trying to be a fashion icon out there. You’re not just the typical type of woman who’s just trying too hard to beautify themselves… you’re different because you’re smart and you have a big heart. Not all woman have those qualities.

    You may not have the most expensive clothes but it doesn’t matter… it’s just in how you carry yourself. For me, you carry yourself well. I wouldn’t waste time checking your blog every now & then (same to the people who became loyal readers of yours) for nothing. I appreciate your style. You taught me a lot. I used to be the plain jane but now, I started buying dresses and cute tops because I see it from you… I want to be like you who is proud and confident of what you wear not thinking of what others would probably say.

    I LOL-ed on the husband part… XD I think that way too why I ended up with my boyfriend. XD But in the end of the day, there’s one reason why our men stick with us… not just because we poke them or something but because we’re someone special to their eyes. 🙂 I’m sure Joe feels that way to you. 🙂

    I hope you’ll continue writing and inspiring people like me who really wants to get out of the shell but because of being scared of others’ criticisms, still keep on hiding. I’m really thankful that I met you online. 🙂 I wish I could be as pretty as you are and as proud too. So cheer up and keep inspiring us. ^^

  7. It’s okay. We all go through those moments in life when we wonder what the hell we are doing.

    I wonder that everyday. But it helps to think of everything in you life that is good, and keep doing it, everyday.

    I love reading, so keep blogging, and I know you will find what you want to do. Maybe not right away, but I believe everyone will find their place eventually.

  8. To touch on just one small point of your post: It makes me so sad when I hear people say they don’t think they are pretty, because that doesn’t come from the individual- it comes from outside influences. Someone or something is giving you the idea that you’re not pretty. I can ramble on about the media and perceived images of beauty and go all feminist but I’m sure you’ve heard it all before so I’ll spare you. Just know that whatever you think about yourself, others aren’t judging as harshly and the people who matter aren’t putting serious stock into physicality…they like you for who you are as a whole, unnatural red hair or not. 😉

    I myself found your blog through a rather bad-ass comment you left on the What I Wore blog, if you recall, and though I think stylistically we don’t mesh at all, personality-wise I see commonality and it’s THAT connection that makes me continue to read above anything.

    • I know I always think more harshly of myself than anyone else thinks of me. I am my own worst critic, which sucks sometimes.

      And I do remember that! LOL- I thought you were so cool for leaving me a comment! And I do think we have totally different styles, but if we were to meet in person and hang out, I think we’d get along so well! And I love how you dress 🙂 I’m all flowery and hippie childish, and you’re all badass and awesome, LOL.

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